I never learned how to have fun.
We could all use a little more "whee!" in our lives
When I quit drinking, I learned a lot more about myself than I’d anticipated. A pretty significant revelation was that I don’t “let loose” anymore, I don’t bounce around, laugh, and have fun much since I got sober. It used to be so easy for me to chug half a bottle of whiskey, then sing and dance for hours. I wasn’t thinking about work, parenting, looking ridiculous, or being too loud. I just felt free. Without the liquid courage of a bottle, the dancing stopped, the singing got quieter, and the laughter felt more guarded and less frequent.
I’ve recently realized that I may have never actually learned how to have fun and be silly without booze. I don’t think I ever figured out how to overcome the intense fear of looking silly or the heavy RSD I struggle so much with. I’ve just always used alcohol because, frankly, it worked really well in those areas.
Being a mother helps; it’s not as difficult for me to be silly and playful with my child. I want him to see me as an adult who isn’t afraid to be joyful, someone who doesn’t care what the world thinks. He deserves to see that “unmasked” happiness. I want to plant those seeds for him now so he doesn’t have to figure it out as an adult.
So I have to actively work on it. I practice with him, I do things out of my comfort zone, like talk a little louder sometimes, use a silly voice, or dance like a funky chicken. And every time I do, something vital heals inside of me. I’m teaching my body it is safe when I allow myself to take off all of my masks and let go of my fears of judgment and rejection.
I never thought I’d be in my 40s learning how to have fun, but here I am. Still growing, still becoming. That’s actually pretty cool.
The other day, I asked my son to come outside and play with the water hose with me. We’ve been watching The Middle, and there was a scene where the mom was trying to convince her children (unsuccessfully) how much fun it was to run through the sprinkler by hopping through it with an exaggerated “whee!” I decided to try it. I ran through the water, genuinely enjoying the cool mist and the silliness of it all. Then my son said to me, “I know why you did it. Because it was fun.” It felt like leveling up! Not only did I get to experience real fun with my child, but he acknowledged the whole point of it and had a fun time himself. (And I even managed to capture it on video so I can watch it every time I wonder if what I’m doing is working. See below!)
Growth can be such a messy, uncomfortable, complicated process, but dang it’s beautiful when you get to see the progress.
Stay kind. Stay curious <3
Nikki
Hey look! A cool plant!
The Coleus
(Plectranthus scutellarioides)
Why it’s cool: The Coleus is a staple in many gardens because of its beautiful, bright colors, but it has a little quirk: as it grows, it eventually tries to produce tiny, purple flowers at the very top. While those flowers are pretty, they come with a cost. If you let them grow, the plant pours all of its energy into those blooms. As a result, those brilliant, colorful leaves start to fade, the stems become weak and “leggy,” and the plant eventually stops thriving and dies.
To keep a Coleus vibrant, you have to snip the blooms off. By removing the flowers, you are gently telling the plant to stop redirecting its life force toward something flashy and temporary, and instead, pull that energy back into its core.
The Lesson: It reminds us that not everything we produce, especially the things that look pretty to the outside world, is worth our limited time and energy. Sometimes, we spend so much effort on the “flowers” like the masks we wear, the people-pleasing, or the things that make us look successful to others, that our own vibrant colors begin to fade. We become overextended and exhausted because we’re pouring our hearts into the wrong things.
It might feel counterintuitive to let go of something that looks like growth, but you’re actually protecting your precious resources. When you stop wasting energy on the temporary stuff, you can redirect it back into your true self. You aren’t losing anything; you’re choosing to thrive.
Ever wonder if affirmations are just “self-help nonsense”? Turns out they’re not.
There is real, peer-reviewed magic in the act of being kind to yourself and remembering just who tf you are. A new meta-analysis in American Psychologist proves how simple reminders of our own awesomeness help build a "psychological immune system" against the weight of self-doubt.
Some things I found interesting and thought you might too
Scientists found that our brains emit ultra-weak sparks of light. You are quite literally glowing from the inside out, and don’t you forget it.
Listening to birdsong can significantly lower our stress and anxiety, offering a simple and natural way to improve our mental well-being. Thanks, birds!
Exploring the physics of flight reveals that for a human to soar like a bird, we would need wings stretching over twenty feet wide and muscles so massive they would change our entire shape.
Even when you read in total silence, your brain is busy sending tiny electrical impulses to your vocal cords, making your throat muscles move as if you were speaking the words out loud.
We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. - André Berthiaume